live to dream…

…dream to live.

summer hat
Alice.

A couple days ago, I drove for several hours, through the nearest city and into the farmland beyond to deliver a young ram to his new caretakers.
The night before, I was stressed about having to be somewhere at a specific hour. Mark just laughed at/with me. “then it’s something you need to do…” I realized that while some people may begin to feel anxious at the crumbling of their structures, the loss of control in their lives, my personal trigger for anxiety is exactly the opposite.

I begin to feel Fear at the prospect of any structure in my life.

Other thoughts on that trip, still moving around the theme of Time:
We have long lifespans now, on the whole, much longer than it was for folks Back Then. Could it be that people who live(d) in cultures that are/were not bound by Time as we understand it now actually lived longer lives at 40 than we do at 80? I know I can stretch time, literally. I practice it.  One moment can draw out and out and who knows if it is a blink or an hour? To measure it is to step back into clock time and therefore contract the moment.
You know what I am saying?

The drive through the world of people really illustrated how little interested in that world I am. I mean it. The world of shopping, television, the seemingly insatiable appetite for the same stores, laid out mile after mile, these all seem like a bad dream, but  one that I am not having, moving by in the periphery.
I will not be distracted by them.
Without being an outdoorsy type (oh my lungs!) I am completely commited to my relationship with Nature.
Yesterday I could not fathom the move to town. I wanted to cry, I wanted that change so little. It will be alright, once I get over into that life. I just have to make the crossing. That’s always a sure way to dredge up some resistance…

6 thoughts on “live to dream…”

  1. i moved out of town long ago, i just keep commuting to work. i work there without really being there. i used to design fabric for clothes that everyone wore but me. i used to feel sick about it but now i use it all for entertainment. one of my closest freinds is a squirrel. am i off the path here. nice hat.

  2. enjoyed your musings about time and structure – time and structure – perhaps they are both illusions? years ago (well actually maybe it was decades and decades ago) I accepted that I’m a person who while ‘engaged’ in the world because of my choices regarding work and other activities, I live at the margins in terms of my personal world view (eg shopping – and malls – YUCK, ditto to your sentiments- as far as I am concerned the downfall of civilization and humanitarian principles!)…. it’s loverly when I discover other marginal folk, it’s amazing how many kindred spirits there are. in my 30s and into my 40s I longed to live in the country, my longing to be a ‘country woman’ sometimes made me a bit unsatisfied with being where I was. now I’m more successful with putting that ol’ maxim of ‘be here now’ into action…and with that I have found a deep sense of contentment….. as long as I can find critters to befriend I’m happy…. for now I am a city mouse, but who know what I will be in 10 years….

  3. I can so relate to this! Every time I go into the city I see more things that I just don’t understand any more… or maybe I never did, but I never used to notice them? Billboards make me frustrated, using political language for irrelevant consumerism… “you deserve a better [thing nobody needs in the first place]” And yeah, stores all the same and everyone frantically trying to get some place they won’t want to be when they get there… it all just makes me want to come home and hug a chicken. For a nice, long moment.

    And that is indeed a nice hat!

  4. That hat is terrific. And thank you for putting into words the very thing I’ve been trying to explain to my husband for ten years… perhaps I’ll point him in your direction so he will see I’m not the only one!

  5. Yes, I’m with you on this. I have for years been frustrated by the expectations put on me because of when I was born. I have always maintained that I wanted to stay home and raise my kids myself, which many of my friends thought was nuts, and one actually told me I was a traitor to the women’s movement.
    I always thought the point of all those suffragettes and women’s libbers was to give women the CHOICE to go to work IF THEY WANTED. Silly me. For me, I say screw ’em, I’ll do what I want. If I choose to stay home, raise my kids myself, knit, sew, bake bread from scratch, and do all the rest of the ‘wifely’ things I do, then what right do they have to say me nay?
    My dream? A small acreage, a couple of kids, a couple of dogs, a few sheep, a horse and a veggie patch.
    So far I’ve got the kids. Still working on the rest.
    By the way, I love the fern plate; my Nanna had the full set of those dishes. I wish I knew what became of them after she passed away.
    Oh, and I’m glad you liked my sock. Thanks for the comment on my blog.

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